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Diego Maradona

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Maradona

Diego MaradonaEdit

Diego Armando Maradona (born 30 October 1960) was an extremely talented footballer, appalling cheat, drug fiend and reprobate.

He is most famous for winning the 1986 World Cup for Argentina with a mixture of superb skill and blatant, horrific cheating. Against England in the quarter-finals, he ‘scored’ a goal punching the ball into the net, in clear contravention of Rule 9b: ‘obviously, you can’t handle the ball, but that should go without saying; what kind of a cunt would try and pull something like that?’

Later in the match, Maradona added a breathtaking and legal second goal, beating nineteen England defenders including both Gary Stevens and Terry Butcher eight times. In grudging recognition, commentator Barry Davies said: ‘well, you have to say that is magnificent. There is no… debate about that goal’.

'Hand of God'Edit

Main article: Hand Of God

After this infamous game, Maradona refused to apologise or even acknowledge his offence, instead claiming that the ‘Hand Of God’ had scored the goal. Action replays did not support this version of events, suggesting instead that Maradona was a disgraceful twat. Scientists later estimated that the player’s head had been around three yards from making contact with the ball. They added that God was not known to exist, although by definition it was very hard for His existence to be disproved either.

Post-1986 IndignitiesEdit

In 1990, Maradona’s Argentina side came close to defending their trophy despite one of the most dismal showings ever by a major nation in the World Cup. They blagged their way through both Quarter and Semi-Finals on penalties, in each case eliminating more attractive sides.

In an abysmal Final against West Germany, they tried the same trick again but were – ironically – beaten by a late spot-kick awarded when Rudi Voeller dived. Afterwards, Maradona cried and said, meaninglessly, ‘I will have to tell my children that the Mafia exists also in football’, rather than congratulating the Germans, who had dominated the competition from the start, or just pissing off home like anyone else would have done.

In 1994, Maradona began the tournament well but after a wild-eyed goal celebration against Nigeria, it became obvious he was off his face. He was banned, and later put on enormous amounts of weight and became a general fuckup.

Underachieving BrotherEdit

He had a brother, Hugo Maradona, who also played at professional level, but was rubbish.

Underachieving SonEdit

He had a son, Diego Maradona Jnr, who also played at professional level, but was rubbish.

Modern TimesEdit

This iconic genius and piece of shit later became manager of Argentina, but was rubbish

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