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Fulham F.C. are the oldest still-active professional football club from London, playing out their home games at the rather lovely Craven Cottage on the banks of the Thames. Despite being owned by a former confidence trickster who is seven kinds of mental, they are known for being a picture of stability both on and off the field. If the club were a sitcom, it would be 'Last of the summer wine', with its idyllic English setting and its loveably eccentric inhabitants. Fulham's star players include goal-happy yank rapper Clint 'Deuce' Dempsey, small-headed paddy Damian Duff, Bobby 'Not Shearer or Cole' Zamora, 'Don't mess with the' Zoltan Gera, sinister man-tin Brede Hangeland and mardy Ozzie Octopus Mark Schwarzer. Lesser heroes include speedy slaphead Andy Johnson, midfield Messiah Jesuston Greening of Nazareth, John "Bonkers" Pantsil (who, as a black Israelophile, is considered to be the BNP's worst nightmare) and Aaron Hughes, who could commit any crime he wanted as nobody would ever be able to pick him out of a police line-up.

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