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Mario Balotelli is a deeply confusing human being whose antics never cease to amaze the simple minds of the Mancunian faithful of Manchester City.

Early life: Not a lot is known about Mario Balotelli's upbringing other than the general consensus among everyone that his father must have been an absolute fucking lad.

Football career: Whilst playing for Inter Milan Balotelli became the subject of numerous incidents. One of his most notorious being when he won the European junior player of the year ahead of Jack Wilshere. On receiving the illustrious honour Balotelli denied having even heard of Jack Wilshere and that he would find out who he was so he could harass him about it. Many believe that this was his sole reason for moving to Manchester.

Before even signing for Man City, Balotelli amazingly managed to fall out with the whole team during his physical at the club. It was found that this mass fall out was as a result of Balotelli masterbating in front of the whole squad and then proceeding to wipe his semen over Shay Given's face. As well as this incident Balotelli was also found to be guilty of the murder of Brazilian show pony Jo who went missing shorty after Balotelli's arival. It is believed that the Italian's motives were to eliminate any potential oppostion for the role of striker within the team. Carlos Tevez has been understood to be Balotelli's next victim, with Balotelli being overheard on the training ground saying to Tevez in Italian that if he does not leave the club then he will engage in oral sex with his wife. Tevez, who only speaks in grunts, did not understand Balotelli and has carried on forfilling is dream to become the highest paid footballer who does not actually like football.

Personal life: As well as on the pitch, Balotelli also loves to be centre of attention off it by engaging in increasingly dangerous stunts which has lead to him being cast in Jackass 4 in Ryan Dunn's place. These stunts include attaching fireworks to his mates arse, and setting them off. Taking his younger brother, a gigolo based in the crime ridden city of Napoli in Italy, to a women prison for his 14th birthday and also handing out £20 notes in Manchester City centre dressed as father Christmas.

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