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Michael Carrick (born 28 July 1981) is an English footballer who since Wednesday 27th May 2009 has perfected the art of disappearing for a couple of hours whilst on a football pitch.

Carrick began his career at West Ham United, where he initially showed some promise in a team which featured the likes of Paolo DiCanio, and fellow prospects such as Frank Lampard, Joe Cole and Rio Ferdinand. His manager at the time Harry Redknapp declared that he thought Carrick would be a top, top player. Carrick was part of the team which was relegated in 2002/3 season and was part of one unsuccessful campaign in trying to achieve promotion. Carrick then left West Ham to join a club "which matched my ambition". Maybe he didn't know he had signed for perennial underachievers Tottenham Hotspur.

Carrick had two reasonably successful seasons at Tottenham, and joined Manchester United for the frankly ludicrous sum of £18.6 million. At West Ham and Tottenham, Carrick had established himself as a player who had an eye for a pass and who could play the deep-lying midfield position. Carrick enjoyed three relatively successful seasons at Manchester United as he was used as part of a squad, before he went missing at 1945 in Rome in the 2009 Champions League final. He reappeared as soon as the final whistle went and has perfected his art of going missing during play ever since. This leaves United having to play each match with just a mere 13 men, however three of these are the referee and his two assistants so there is no need at all to feel sorry for them.

There have been many theories as to where Carrick buggers off to during matches. Suggestions have included playing the role of Harry Potter in his invisible cloak, going down to the bookies to place the manager's bet on his horses and getting lost in one of those ugly twin-Brazilian kid's afros.

Despite having spent nearly two years vanishing during matches, in early 2011 Carrick was awarded a new United contract. This was a decision no sane human being could understand, and the only logical reason that has been put forward is that unlike some players at the club, he does not shag grandmothers, shag prostitutes, suffer punishments at the hands of the FA, does not have a purple nose from being an alcoholic, and Carrick is a real household name and favourite in Micronesia, which helps the club's merchandise no end and ensures that they still have no fans who actually inhibit the city the team is supposedly from and where they play their home games. In other words Carrick is a quiet goody two-shoes.

Unsurprisingly Carrick has not played in many England matches, although he has somehow been to two World Cups. Players like Steven Gerrard, Frank Lampard, Owen 'Sicknote' Hargreaves, Scott Parker, Gareth Barry, Jack Wilshere and Seth Johnson have all been responsible for keeping Carrick away from serving the national team and preventing making England an even bigger global laughing stock than they are currently are.

Extremely unfairly, Carrick has an impressive medal haul. Whereas legends of English football including Sir Bobby Moore, Sir Tom Finney, Paul Gascoigne, Steven Gerrard and Nat Lofthouse have not won the League Title, Carrick has on three occasions. In terms of how unfair this is, it is comparable to Djimi Traore and Igor Biscan having won the Champions League and Shaun Wright-Phillips being an England player, despite all three having similar abilities to that of the average Sunday league footballer.

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