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Paulgascoigne3

Paul "Gazza" Gascoigne was an English international footballer with brief forays into the world of club management. He was best known for his flair, determination and incredible passion for booze. His accomplishments include winning the FA Cup, the Scottish Premier League and being the first man to ever chug a keg of Newcastle Brown Ale without pausing for breath.

Early LifeEdit

Paul Gascoigne was born into a simple Tyneside family and loved to play football with his mates in the park. It is alleged that Paul's mother was slightly misbehaved as a parent and would regularly enjoy slipping a couple of shots of Bailey's into Paul's bottle of milk. Some say this is the catalyst for his later problems with alcohol.

Club Career Edit

Paul's club career began at Newcastle United where he soon became a fan favourite but this was the time that he started to get in to some DEEP shit for his off the field activities. One of the most notorious incidents that happened at Newcastle was when Paul, whilst sharing a car with Jimmy 'Five Bellies' Gardner, ran over a man before wrecking the car to make it appear stolen. Rumours that Five Bellies was trying to give Paul a sneaky handjob with Paul shouting 'get off me you fat twat!' are unfounded. He then went on to join Tottenham Hotspurs where he was shaped into a world class footballer by mediocre manager Terry Venables.


Paul also played at a swath of other clubs including Rangers, Lazio and, sadly for him, Middlesbrough

International CareerEdit

Paul has an incredible 57 caps and 10 goals for the English national side. In the same space of time, it was estimated he drank 5,700 pints and 100 bottles of gin. One of the enduring images of the shitfest that was the 1990 FIFA World Cup was Gazza's tears in the semi final after he got booked, denying him a place in the final should England get through. Of course, they didn't and everyone knew they wouldn't so it is arguable that Gazza's tears were completely unfounded. Rumours suggest that he just missed the booze too much and was getting upset that no-one would fill his "water bottle" with a sneaky G&T.


Another of the magical moments that defined Paul's career occurred during the European Championships of 1996 in which Paul chipped the ball over Colin "I'm not an albino, promise" Hendry's head before rifling home the volley past Andy Goram. This was followed by the sublime celebration known as the Dentist's Chair whereby all the other England players sprayed drinks into Paul's mouth while he sat in a reclined position. Sources within the England camp of that year stated that the bottles were filled with vodka. One insider, under promise of anonymity, said "after the sober tears and tantrum of 1990, we just decided to let him have his booze on the pitch. To be fair, everyone thought he played better when he was battered anyway."

Personal LifeEdit

Paul is as famous for his chaotic personal life as he is for his exploits on the football pitches of England and Italy. Paul always loved the booze but some claimed he was on the brink of a breakdown in 2004 when he decided he didn't want to be called Paul Gascoigne anymore. He tried valiantly to give himself a new nicknake of 'G8' but everyone thought it was pretty crap and still just called him Gazza. Apparently, he was sober during this time but the refusal of the general public to accept his new nicknake led Gazza to hit the bottle again. Needless to say, his managerial spell during this time at the mighty Kettering Town was cut short.

Since then, Paul has been involved in countless incidents involving alcohol, including bar brawls, drink driving, mental issues, kebab eating contests and dogging.

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