'Premier League Record' is term designed to demonstrate that everything that happened on a football pitch before Rupert Murdoch's year zero is irrelevant. It is one of many wholly justifiable ways that big television companies extort large amounts of cash from the public to be able to watch a larger number of adverts at half time than was the case pre 1992, when, being simply called, 'Division One', football was of course a completely different game, played with bland cotton shirts and leather sacks with laces in instead of balls. Jimmy Greaves scored 357 goals over the course of his top flight career, making him the top flight's all time leading goalscorer, but this information is incredibly time consuming and difficult to find online, because he foolishly insisted on scoring his goals before Sky bought the rights to televise all football in the world. His record is rightly therefore ignored, with Alan Shearer taking the title of 'All Time (the term 'all time' of course meaning 'in the last twenty years) Premier League Top Goalscorer.' The fact that he scored 260 goals over the course of his career, almost a hundred shy of Greaves is irrelevant, as we all know that the Premier League is a whole new ball game. Before Sky's intervention in the early nineties English football was of course a mish mash of mis-kickings and elbows played by bin men and other such riff raff, meaning the real statistical value of each of Greaves's goals is less than half than that of one of Alan Shearer's.

The first time X since YEdit

The existence of records predating the Premier League is gradually creeping back into modern language, with cataclysmic events such as Manchester City's 6-1 drubbing of neighbours Manchester United causing desperate professional statisticians to delve through the archives of their local library in order to find out what the hell happened in 1926 that makes everyone keep mentioning this date. (Apparently, football existed back then, and most of the teams were the same, and they wore football kits, and used a ball and goals and everything, but no goalie gloves or substitutes or time added on for Fergie.) Sky desperately tried to gloss over this fact by plucking "best since" statistics out of the air after every week of the Premier League until we forgot about 1926 and Chelsea's long-standing Premier League record points & goals tally could be safely quoted once more.

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