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Ryan McNaul

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Mcnaul
McNaul sizing up a defenceless opponent
Ryan McNaul

Ryan McNaul, born 11th July 1991, is a highly agressive footballer, currently plying his trade in 1B of the NAFL for Orangefield OB. Ryan can play across the back four, as well as a defensive midfielder, and is known for his tough tackling, and his pschyological issues, which have cost both the defender and the club heavily. McNaul, having only made 67 appearances for Orangefield already holds the worst disciplinary record for the club, with 47 yellow cards, and 28 reds. Ryans most prolific spell involved two red cards in two games.

Background

McNaul grew up in the suburbs of Belfast, on the rough Newtonards Road. His father Sam is well known for being a former player, and one of the top workers for the DOE. Ryan has two older siblings, and one younger. The younger sibling is probably the most famous, Sasha. Sasha is the McNaul pet dog, and has reportedly not missed a match Ryan has been involved in. Its remarkable that when Sam was in prison for stealing a sex doll, Sasha still appeared at the game. Funnily enough, Ryan was red carded in a record time of 1 second, for failing to wear shorts as the game kicked off.

For a 2 year spell Ryan emigrated to Australia, where his father Sam had signed a contract with Melbourne Victory. The family were later deported due to the sickening threats made to a referre, after Ryan had been sent off for violent conduct. Ryan was still only 15 at the time.

Career

Ryan began his career playing for the Ledley Boys club, before being forced to transfer to Lord Street FC. It is thought this is where McNaul got his hot temper, and records show his first red card at the age of 3, for punching a opponent who lay efenceless on the ground after Sasha had mauled his shinguard.

McNaul then signed for Knockbreda FC. His time was mixed, with winning many man of the match awards, but also recieving many red cards. The fine in youth football for a yellow card was £5 and red £10. It is reported the Knockbreda FC gaffer had to remortgage his house in order to pay for the disciplinary costs.

Ryan then moved to Shorts after a spell down under. His record of cards improved here, however, his most notable moment was a decisive penalty mis in the NI cup quarter final shootout, which Ryan later blamed on a wasp sting on his testicles.

With McNauls wishes to become a professional footballer looking unlikely , he moved to Bloomfield U16's. Bloomfield was unique in the sense that every single player had already developed an alcohol and/or drug addiction by the tender age of 16. Casual sexual liasons with questionable women was also common place. Despite many of the team holding criminal convictions, most notably Aaron "jailbird" Gillies, McNaul proved to be the worst of a bad bunch. Whilst partnering Warren "two-footed tackle" Pinkerton in the middle of the park, McNauls disciplinary record sunk to a new low. This midfield partnership recieved more red and yellow cards than when Basher Bates and Lenny Murphy played in the middle of the park for Shankill Star in the 1972/1973 season. McNaul when dispossessed was known to challenge the opposition player in question, to a form of mixed martials arts combat. One Novembers day at Cherryvale he once struck a 7ft tall 20 stone celtic boys midfielder with a manouvre he was to refer as " an axe kick". It wasnt just on the pitch that McNaul found himself in disciplinary trouble. He was banned for 5 games after he taunted the Rathriland manager with his 10 inch cock after Bloomfield knocked Rathriland out of the 4th round of the N.I cup. The Rathriland manager was later quoted in the Rathriland Bugle as saying " I dont know whether it was a cobra or a python, but whatever it was, it wasnt human".

Ryan then moved to Orangefield fc, forming part of the succesful under 18s side. This team regualry turned up as the opposition were scorin their second goal, and had to battle back. McNauls discipline improved but he is fondly remembered for chasing the opposition goalkeeper around the pitch, during a pyschial contest with a Bangor side. As well as this, a 5th minute red card against Loughside FC of the Shore Road for violent conduct was also notable. It is though his father Sam, and dog Sasha had to fend off the Mount Vernon UVF in the changing room as punishment for the wreckless assault on the pitch.

Other

Ryan is noted around the football, and East Befast for his penis size. Both in girth and length, it really needs to be seen to be believed. Once it was compard to a elephant trunk, and was actually measured alongside a baby elephant at Belfast City Zoo. McNauls penis proved longer by 33cm.

Ryan had recently pledged his support of referres, and is indeed involved in charity work alongside top official Gareth Malseed. It is conincidental that Gareth has sent Ryan off 5 times, and had to run for his own personal safety having been chased up Mersey Street by the McNauls after Knockbreda where defeated 4-1 by St Andrews at King George playing fields.

Ryan is a well known carpenter around the Belfast area, and he is currently fighting many court case at the small claims court due to his shabby, unprofessional and embarrasing work.

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