Sir Alex Ferguson's brand new wine powered helicopter
Behold, the greatest manager of all time, and — without a doubt — the true monarch of the UK, HM Sir Alexander Chapman Ferguson.
Sir Alex Ferguson, known endearingly as 'Fergie' by the lecherous football press and 'Scottish Bastard' by Andrei Kanchelskis, is currently in the unenviable position of having to employ a mitigator for his general day to day duties. This is mostly because he has banned practically everyone from the honour of having a conversation with him. His wife Cathy is responsible for ensuring that his wine cellar remains up to date, she accomplishes this with a series of mimes and placards as like everyone else on the planet, she has been banned from speaking to the great man.
A manager of almost unparalleled achievements, Sir Alex is often falsely credited with the invention of winning trophies as before the formation of the premier league, teams simply milled about in the centre circle accomplishing little of note. At some point in the distant past England won some sort of international trophy, but promptly lost it again. Suspicions arose when a similar looking trophy was spotted in Sir Alex's downstairs loo but the discovery was quickly brushed under the carpet as Sir Alex banned everyone within a ten mile radius.
Born in the medieval dark ages of Scotland (c.1941) Sir Alex grew up deprived of the normal mod cons of the rest of the world, such as electricity, bread or roads, as well as being prone to outbursts of rage. He spent the best years of his youth at the Govan shipyards where he was taught the traditional Scottish pursuits of stoic frugalism, wanton gambling, shoe throwing, and debilitating alcohol abuse.
This sort of upbringing stood him in good stead when he took over the helm at Manchester United — a famous northern drinking and gambling club in the early to mid eighties. One of Sir Alex's first acts as manager was to successfully and consecutively out drink every single member of the club, from club champions Paul McGrath and Norman Whiteside, to less famous competitors such as Doris the humble tea lady and Fred the Red.
Sir Alex orders 'Two goals worth of injury time and a bottle of Rioja' from the referee.
Having stamped his mark on the club, Sir Alex then went on to sell every single player uttering "youse all idiots, nae doubt about it" before bringing in his son, and a few of his sons mates to play for the side.
These players became commonly known as "Fergies Fledglings" and — despite other Scots admonishing him — managed to go on to become one of the most successful sides in existence since the premiership year 0 RM (zero Rupert Murdoch)
Sir Alex remains at the helm after an astonishing 12 Epochs in charge.