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Stan Collymore

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Stan CollymoreEdit

Stanley Victor Collymore (born 22 January 1971) is a retired English footballer. He is a gormless woman-beating sexual deviant, who wasted his considerable natural talent.

After surviving the torment of playing alongside the perennially patronising Mark Bright and successful idiot Ian Wright at Crystal Palace, Collymore found fame and fortune at Nottingham Forest.

In 1994-95, the oafish hitman found the net 22 times in the Premier League, but he showed himself to be a terrible twat at the end of the season when he moved to Liverpool but took Forest to court to demand a ‘loyalty bonus’. The judge eventually passed the verdict that Collymore was a ‘nasty little man.’

Following a transfer record move to Liverpool, Collymore enjoyed brief success alongside cocaine-loving deadhead Robbie Fowler, but the only way was down.

Letting Himself DownEdit

Collymore will always be remembered for hitting Swedish sheet stainer Ulrika Johnson for six. After initially denying the allegations, Stan eventually admitted: 'I beat her like a drum,' before adding in his defence: 'I’ve had such troubles.'

With his career in freefall, Collymore slowly descended the football pyramid until he reached his lowest ebb by accidentally signing for Spanish side Real Oviedo after a miscommunication with his agent. The moronic marksman had flown to the Asturian city for a 'lads’ holiday' and was bemused when 1,000 fans turned up at the airport to cheer his arrival.

Never one to shy from a challenge, Stan had a crack at La Liga but didn't set Spain alight having gained nearly 12 stone since his glory days at Anfield. Indeed, the people of Oviedo often use the phrase: hacer el collymore (doing a Collymore), which roughly translates to trying to resurrect your flagging career in sunny climes before giving up after five weeks.

At the age of 30, Collymore retired from football to follow his boyhood dream of having sex in cars. He is now one of the nation’s leading lights on the dogging circuit.

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