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Peter lorre

The Football League Show's Baldy Nutter

The Football League Show was created by evil genius Matt Smith as part of his masterplan to make himself appear a quite good sports presenter. Realising that not even Garth Crooks would be awful enough for post-midnight banal analysis, Smith recruited much-travelled vagrant Steve Claridge as his secret weapon. Claridge was given a brief to watch as little of the week's action as was humanly possible but to also simultaneously proffer an opinion on every single match that had taken place. Working alongside smooth criminal Jimi Mistry, Claridge consistently talked such colossal bollocks that even seasoned football fans switched over to watch The Bridges of Madison County on ITV. After angry crowds turned up at the BBC's White City studios demanding Claridge's immediate removal from the screen, Smith was forced to recruit Leroy from Fame as a temporary replacement and Claridge was sent on a scouting mission to a betting shop in Tirana.


After Richard Keys and Andy Gray were caught masturbating over a pirated version of The Manageress Uncut, Smith appointed a female member to the team. Lizzie Bird had previously worked for the BBC as Barry Took's stunt double on Points of View, and therefore had vast experience at reading out pointless e-mails in a series of varying intonations. Her section of the show, entitled Token Bird, consists of her awarding a book token to the most vacuous pile of dross sent in to the show. The type of person who sends in a readable message are those who aren't drunk enough to text saying 'show us your clunge.' It is also believed that there are a bunch of minyans who sit behind Lizzie working out what a Doncaster fan would say after having seen his team win. Claridge was originally posted for this job but the BBC realised he was as dumb as fuck. Claridge has won the book token on forty-nine separate occasions (up to February 14th 2011) but because he can't read, the tokens have been converted into used betting slips.


The final piece of the jigsaw saw Smith hire former mental patient Baldy Nutter as a roving reporter with a brief to wind up managers, patronise the simple-minded fans who watch league football, and send ratings plummeting even further. Nutter has visited all 432 League grounds since the programme's inception, and has been banned from 431 of them.


The show's theme music is 'Match of the Day's Over, Fuck You Football League Retards' and was recorded by the anarchist punk group Felch My Hole.

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