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Warren Barton is a former Wimbledon and Newcastle United full-back currently engaged in a campaign to become the world's most inane football pundit. Despite some stiff competition, he is widely viewed as having already achieved this goal. Comfortably.

Barton is employed by the US-based Fox Soccer Channel to provide analysis of English Premier League games on the understanding that he must utter at least 27 cliches per minute. Barton has no trouble in surpassing that total, all the while moving his hands from left to right in a strange chopping motion to compensate for a lack of cerebral kinetics.

The man dubiously, but repeatedly, billed by FSC as an "ex-England international" presents a post-match segment called Barton's Breakdown. Each week, millions of fans tune in hoping to see Barton collapse under the weight of his own crushing banality, but are instead rewarded with a series of desperately bland run-throughs of the game's incidents and talking points, delivered in a dispassionate monotone about as engaging as a pet insurance salesman. Co-presenter Christian Miles - a man subject to an FBI-imposed curfew in order to prevent any normal human being ever having to inadvertently share a beer with him - is present to agree with all that Barton says, being capable of nothing else besides looking like a gimp and getting his facts wrong.

Following numeorus public protests and unrest in several US cities, both the United States Senate and House of Representatives have passed emergency legislation mandating that all television remote controls sold in the US must come equipped with a Warren Barton Mute button, "large and prominent enough to be instantly and easily accessible".

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