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Wayne Rooney

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A wonderfully disgusting combination of Gingerness, Brilliance, Ugliness and Hairiness.


Wayne Arnold Rooney (What is he good for?) Was the forgotten son of the titan Cronos and Rhea from Greek Mythology. He was born almost immediately before his folically enriched brother Zeus as an almost carbon physical copy. Unfortunately he met the same fate as his brothers and sisters that came before him and was promptly ingested by Cronos.

This treatment led to the rather horrifying physical appearance he is forced to endure today as the acids in the stomach of Cronos not only melted his face and hair, he was also genetically spliced with a semi digested potato - the remnants of Cronos' breakfast.

After many years spent digesting in Cronos' stomach, Cronos accidentally came across the city of Liverpool - a place so utterly depraved and bereft of benevolence that it caused Cronos to vomit death his stomach all over the liver birds, and assorted trakkie wearing scousers which inhabited this feckless and forgotten wasteland (Capitol of Culture....)

Wayne Rooney was finally free to flourish as a semi demi potatoey shrekky famous footballer, with an inherent oedipal complex instilled by his mother Rheas' urgent willingness for Cronos to devour him. He spent the next 20 years of his life being a disgusting money obsessed horrid little scouser - simultaneously fucking over old women, Everton fans, United fans and practically anyone he could get his thieving little fingers on.

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